Life-changing news stories! No kidding! Well, perhaps a little less than life-changing . . .

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Some updates from the web, for those too busy (is there anyone who has really beaten procrastination soundly enough to fit this category?) to surf for crucial, must-know, life-changing news stories:

Thanks, Center for Disease Control, for explaining to us how, exactly, to survive a zombie apocalypse.

(This one’s for old people only–like me): Guess who the FBI now suspects in the 1982 “poisoned Tylenol” case, which killed seven people and resulted in the widespread use of tamper-proof and tamper-evident packaging for over-the-counter medications? Yup. The Unabomber.

While Rob Bell is assuring us that Hell is, at least, escapable, Stephen Hawking is continuing in his usual vein, asserting confidently that heaven is a “fairy story.”

Discover magazine, meanwhile, has discovered the hidden message in all Pixar films. Ready? “The message hidden inside Pixar’s magnificent films is this: humanity does not have a monopoly on personhood.” No kidding. Check it out.

Finally (and potentially, I really do mean FINALLY), here’s the scoop on that “Jesus will return on May 21st” nonsense you’ve been hearing. Snore. As a church historian, I saw this one coming a mile off. There’s something irresistible about date-setting for the End of Days that, generation after generation, overwhelms both common sense and the explicit prohibition against this sort of nonsense by Jesus himself.

But just in case, before May 21st, you need to get this bumper sticker. Seriously:

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